This is just a stage.

Parenting is hard.

I was 30 years old when I had Liam and 32 when I had Katie. I had been married for over 5 years at that point, had been to University and College and had various jobs. I had always wanted kids – when I thought of my future it always included children. Plus I loved kids – I worked with them, volunteered with them, spend a lot of time with my younger cousins all throughout their childhood – I thought I was prepared for motherhood. But I wasn’t….

The sleepless nights, the worries & fear, teething, sickness, sleep regression, tantrums, daycare transitions, night terrors, terrible twos, biting, big emotions, epic meltdowns – the list is endless. And that was just with one kid. Going from one to two with only 2.5 years between them, made life even harder. Suddenly you are transitioning to having two kids, trying to help the older one adapt to the new baby, and going through all of the above at different times. Plus for those first few weeks you have all the post-partum pain and emotions going on, so that just makes it worse. It’s a lot.

Maybe motherhood and all it entails comes more natural to some people. I am sure there are supermoms out there that handle all of the previously mentioned aspects with ease and grace. Who find everyday, every struggle and every stage easy. I try to roll with it all. I try to keep calm during the harder aspects and not let it overwhelm me or get to me.  But sometimes it does. Tonight was one of those nights. It was a long day, I was exhausted and feeling crappy – and by dinner I was counting down the hours until bedtime. But bedtime wasn’t easy tonight – bedtime was drama, drama, drama. When I was putting Katie to bed, Liam was calling for me. When I was putting Liam to bed, Katie was crying for me. (Note – my husband works nights and leaves for work before bedtime – so 5 nights a week I am on my own for bedtime). For the next hour I was going back and forth between their rooms. Katie is teething badly (her molars are coming in) so she needed pain meds. Liam was upset that a glow in the dark star from his ceiling fell down. Katie needed cuddles due to the pain. Liam was upset about his light being left on. Katie lost her pacifier. Liam hurt his finger – it was never ending. 

When I first had Liam, the local Early Years Center ran a drop-in program called “Mindful Mamas”. Basically it was an hour-long timeslot once a week where new moms (I think it was aimed at moms of babies who were 0-12months) could drop in and connect with the leaders and other moms. Sometimes there was a specific topic but other times it was more open – going in whatever direction the moms that day wanted. It was led by some wonderful women – and was something I really enjoyed attending.  I found it helpful – not only to make connections with other moms – but for the reassurance it provided. I got to see that I wasn’t the only mom feeling overwhelmed, or with a ton of questions, or with some various concern. I got to raise those questions and concerns and get feedback, while providing my own input on other topics. It was an amazing resource for new moms and I was sad it was no longer running when I had Katie.

I don’t remember all the specific topics covered in the times I attended the program – it’s been over four years so I can only recall snippets here and there. But there is one thing I do remember – a piece of advice from the leaders that I took away and try and keep with me daily.

This is just a stage.

I can’t recall what topic brought up this advice – maybe it was teething, or sleep regression – but it was something that some of the moms were struggling with that day. And the leader made a point to remind us that almost everything in parenting is a stage. The stage can last a few days, a few weeks, a few months – maybe even in some cases years – but eventually that stage will end. And at some point you may even look back and miss that stage in some way. So her advice was to try not to be overwhelmed by these stages and try not to wish them away. Because while you are wishing away the teething, and then the sleep regressions, and then the terrible twos, and so on– your child is growing up and time is passing. So when things are hard, just take a deep breath, remind yourself it is a stage and won’t last forever, and focus on the good.

I honestly think that piece of advice is probably the best advice I ever got as a new mom. And while sometimes in the stress of a moment or day, it’s easy to forget that advice – I really try and keep it in mind.  

So after bedtime was finally over and I finally had a few moments of peace – I reframed my thinking and reminded myself that:

• Liam eventually stopped teething and Katie will too.
• Liam eventually slept through the night – and then every night– and Katie will too.
• There will be a time that Liam won’t want or need me when he gets hurt – but I am lucky that day isn’t here yet.
• That Katie cuddles are rare and worth every second because they also won’t last forever.
• Despite the exhaustion and crappiness I am feeling, being a mom is the best feeling in the world and I am so lucky they still want me to tuck them in, read them stories and spend time with them.

So yes, parenting is hard. I am often overwhelmed and exhausted. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

New Motherhood and Friendships

“New motherhood often affects old friendships, without intention.

They’re caught up with demanding responsibilities and tasks. They rely on sharing information with each other, to get through this jolting start to parenthood. It’s not uncommon that friends without children get neglected.” 

(Toronto Star – Ask Elle – 02/10/2016)

I read this exactly a week before I went into labor with Liam - Yup, literally almost 4 ½ years ago - and I remember saving the link on my phone and  thinking to myself, “I won’t be like this, I’ll make sure I keep making an effort and won’t let this new journey affect me.” So I saved it. Thinking it was a good mantra of sorts to hold on to - “Don’t let this change you,”

But in looking back, my relationships had changed even before Liam was born. 

None of my friends had kids. They didn’t understand pregnancy, hormones and the anxieties and stress of new motherhood. Sure they were supportive and excited, but they couldn’t fully grasp how I was feeling. While they were off having amazing celebrations for their “Dirty Thirty” birthdays, mine (which occurred when I was 6 months pregnant) just involved a quiet family dinner. While they were off at summer cottages and all-inclusive vacations - I was at home, sicker then I had ever been in my entire life and taking medication for severe morning sickness. The few times I was included in plans, I either became the designated driver or went home feeling this weird disconnect.

Obviously now I see the reason for the disconnect. Just as they didn’t understand pregnancy and everything I was dealing with, I couldn’t really relate to all their current issues. I had been married for 5 years at this point – I didn’t know how frustrating dating sites had become. How awful it felt to have countless bad dates and to have to start back at square one. And in other areas where they were finding joy and fulfillment (living in their own homes, finding career fulfillment) I couldn’t relate to that as I was still living with my parents and working a job that I hadn’t ever wanted or envisioned for myself. Basically the highs and lows of my life didn’t match up with the highs and lows of their lives.

This isn’t a reflection on my friends – I have some amazing friends. It just became very obvious that we were suddenly at different points in our lives. And now with having 4 years of reflection and clarity – I see that a lot of it had more to do with my own mental state of feeling overwhelmed and anxious about this new life journey then their purposely doing anything to cause it.

But the bottom line was – expectant motherhood and motherhood did change those relationships.

I won’t lie - it was a hard time. And those first few months of new motherhood were even more isolating. The sleepless nights, the hospital visits for breastfeeding support, the worries, the fears, the hormones, the body changes – it’s a lot. I remember taking Liam one of his early appointments with my family doctor and bursting into tears about something insignificant. I was just overwhelmed, exhausted and anxious.

Liam and I - 5 days into Motherhood. 

Friends who would visit got to come and snuggle a baby for an hour or so – but then they left. Everyone knows, baby snuggles are amazing. You have this tiny little human, snugged all up in your arms, sleeping peacefully as you gaze down at his or her perfect little face. I loved the baby snuggles. But the massive poop explosions, projectile vomiting, pain of breastfeeding, having to track formula/breast milk amounts & times as well as record the numbers of poops and pees is not amazing. A screaming baby is also not amazing. The lack of sleep – broken due to all the previously mentioned screaming and feeding – is really not amazing. So my friends didn’t really get the complete picture of my life beyond those super amazing baby cuddles.

But other moms did. Suddenly the people I started seeing most frequently were my new friends… the friends I made who had children.

Mommy and me baby groups were truly a godsend for me – as was my mentor teacher (MT) from teachers college. I had spent 6 months in my MT’s grade 6 classroom five years prior to this, and we got along well and stayed in touch. Her daughter was born a month into my pregnancy, so she was who I initially reached out to. Over the next 8 months she was so helpful with pregnancy/baby advice, useful information, and product recommendations – basically anything an unprepared soon-to-be-mom needed to know, came from her. She lent me her bassinette, a bouncy seat, passed along gender-neutral clothing – she was incredible. Knowing now just how overwhelmed I really was about it all – I can tell you she was a godsend and an amazing friend. I am so grateful that I was placed in her classroom all those years ago, became she became an important part of my life when I really needed someone. So thank you Bernadette.

The mommy and me groups are also something I am so thankful for. I started going to them when Liam was about 4 months old – right around the time he was vaccinated. I have always been a social person, but I initially had to step outside my comfort zone with these groups. It was hard at first – especially the time spent sitting around in a circle singing ridiculous baby songs - but the connections became vital. From these groups I met mom friends – women I would see weekly. Once our kids aged out of the groups, we hung out at play places, farms, the zoo, swimming lessons. From those places we met other moms – and then I did some of that all over again 3 years later when Katie was born (mind you not as much as I would have liked to as it is harder when there is another child at home). I still see some of those moms even now 4 years later despite some of us having gone back to work, moved to other towns, had a second – or third – kid. I couldn’t recite any of their phone numbers off of memory and I generally only know their birthdays when Facebook reminds me – but they became the friends I saw most. The friends who I could relate to and who could relate to me. The friends I could ask parenting questions to and be reassured I wasn’t making a mess of this whole being a mom thing.

So that article was true. My friendships did change. But so did I. It was naive of me not to realize that change was inevitable. I have always been someone who resisted change. My Kindergarten teacher saw it way back when I was 5 years old – when I cried on the first and last day of school – she told my mother she had a feeling I would always be someone who didn’t do well with change. She wasn’t wrong. I don’t do well with change, but once the change is upon me I do adapt. And I have adapted.

My life now has a great mix of new and old friends and friends with and without kids.

I still have most of the friends I had pre-kids – and in some cases my friendships with them are stronger then ever. Now that my kids are older, it is easier for me to leave them for a girl’s night. Sure, some of those friendships have changed or ended, but that is the natural progression of life and 2020 Chantal is much more adaptable and understanding of that, then 2016 Chantal was.

Sometimes change is for the good – and while the initial journey wasn’t easy – I am so grateful for those changes. And I am so grateful for all the amazing friends I am fortunate to have in my life – both the old and new.

2020 may not be shaping up to be the easiest year – or the best – but it helps when I focus on what I am grateful for and all the blessing I do have in my life – and my friendships are plentiful.

How time flies!

So my last post was almost exactly 4 years ago.

4 years!

Wow.

In some ways it feels like that was a lifetime ago, in other ways it seems like it passed in the blink of an eye. Looking over those last few posts I couldn’t help but laugh. Topics such as trying out a digital perm, various alternatives to Starbucks and my 30 before 30 endeavors seem like such surreal interests and concerns in comparison to my life today. Since June 2015 (my last posting date) I have had two wonderful kids – Liam, who was born February 2016 and Katie in August 2018 – so life is quite different these days then it was back then.

Katie and Liam - July 2019

Motherhood is so many things – things I expected and many that I didn’t. My days are filled with toys, baby food, messes, tantrums, countless loads of laundry, endless dishes, a myriad of baby/toddler shows (some that I have become far too knowledgeable/invested in!), play dates, mom groups, smiles, laughs and of course tears – along with so many other little things. The friends that I see/talk to regularly are women who I didn’t even know 4 years ago. The beautiful purses I loved buying from Kate Spade and Michael Kors have been replaced by a basic backpack style diaper bag (when I remember it) or an old ratty grocery bag with diapers, wipes and my wallet shoved inside. I have been to the Zoo more times in one month then I had previously ever been in my entire life, and I always hated the Zoo! I have a membership to Reptilia, a Reptile World type place, when I was the girl who used to freak out when my brother would bring his Lizard anywhere near me. 

Basically in many ways my life has been taken over by two little humans. And despite the downs that go along with the ups, I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Obviously in the last few years my free time has gone by the wayside – apparently that’s what parenthood tends to do to you! When I was last into writing/blogging, I was trying to accomplish a list of 30 Things to do Before 30. Well, pregnancy and motherhood occurring during the last year of my 20’s and into the start of my 30’s definitely messed up those intentions! Plus, my blog was an outlet for my interests – primarily traveling – and other things that are easier to do/ muse upon when your life is your own. But, in the last few weeks and months I have really been wanting an outlet – wanting a place to write and express myself. I don’t know if anyone reads this – or if anyone ever did! – but this is my little corner of the world and I may as well use it. Even if its just for myself – I have very few places and things that are my own these days. Heck, its hard to even find a moment to use the washroom in peace without a toddler knocking on the door or a baby screaming!

I don’t know what direction this blog will take.  I don’t intend for it to be completely parenting specific, and obviously travel doesn’t happen as much as it once did. I guess Lifestyle would be the best label, but even then that feels like a stretch as that makes me think of people like Meghan Markle and Jillian Harris, and obviously my life isn’t anywhere as fabulous, stylish, put together or organized as them. I guess my blog will be more akin to the shuffle feature on my iTunes – some parenting, some travel, some recipes etc. I just hope I manage to update before another 4 years pass!

So here I go embarking on a new journey!